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June 03, 2009


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On the set of Joe Swanberg's remake of "The Maltese Falcon", with Shawn reprising Sidney Greenstreet's classic role and Noah Baumbach as Sam Spade.


"If we move the table in front of that doorway over there, I'll be able to shoot his dick."


"Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat."


"Let's see some titties. I'm Joe Swanberg, bitch."


The Squid, the Whale, and the Douchebag.


"It's just skin, Wallace. Why are you being so frigid?"

Sorry, but all the best dick jokes have been taken.


"Oh, Joe? We met at a Chris Eigeman mixer."

Jim Gerow

GUY IN THE SWEATER: Hey, wasn't I supposed to be cast in a late Bresson film, not this mumblecore thing?

Although I have to admit, "This is the girl" is funnier.

Glen is irrelevant.

Glenn, please post a photo of yourself, I'd love to have a stab at this caption thing.

Gerry Almstadt

"Hey baum baby, couldn't we put some skimpy shorts on this chick and get a move on. I like to hear people stammer as much as the next guy but you're cutting into the fifeteen minutes I'd designated for the pre, pro, and post production of my next twelve films."

John M

"So, Wally, you're cool for the beads and the cream pie. That's great. Can you stand up, let us take a look at that lovely combination?"


Because it's both concise and hilarious, and works on two levels, Josh's ""If we move the table in front of that doorway over there, I'll be able to shoot his dick" gets my vote.


BAUMBACH: "Swanberg is fine but he's not a serious guy, he's a philistine."


After the session Joe, a man on a mission, proposed a remake of Ice Cube's seminal classic " Boyz in tha Hood" starring Shawn as a grizzled street denizon named Snoopy." Joe's a wonderful fella"beamed Shawn" certainly His finger is on the pulse of the myopia of today's youth. but can he do street?" . Baumbech however seemed intrigued....


I want to win so very badly, but Josh's IS pretty good.


Shawn: What's with the permanent grin? It's like he's leering at me. Noah, why is this guy here? Is he even housetrained?

Baumbach: (sighs) He's harmless. It's...it's a long story.

Swanberg: (thinking to himself) Man, do these guys ever shut up?

Nathan Duke

How about these:

Get Thee Behind Me Satan

Noah's Lark

Swan Schlong


Swanberg pretends to listen as he ponders a way to get his penis into the shot.


"Spell, homunculus"

Glenn Kenny

Not to influence the competition or anything, but I'd suggest to further posters that, as much as I enjoy a good cheap schlong joke, at this point I'd say we're above quota. Almost feel bad for the guy. Did Vincent Gallo have to put up with this kind of thing?


I don't know if Scott Collette's little one-act play qualifies as a caption, but it's the funniest thing that's been written here so far, by a pretty wide margin.

Dr. Lappe

Face it kid, this is the only work you'll ever have in the Criterion Collection.


"Okay you guys nailed the talking. Let's reshoot the sex scene"

Gerry Almstadt

"Joe and I were...ahhhh...wondering....ahhh...if we could possibly... like....you know shoot you and your wife in your underpants????"

Owain Wilson

Even though I joined in the fun, I'm starting to feel really sorry for this Swanberg kid.

Erin Donovan

Oh snap, commenter #1 had the same thought as me. This post rules anyway.


I came up with my schlong joke and was disheartened to find all the other ones before it. I think it deserves its own consideration nonetheless! (as I ponder the criterion My Dinner With Andre and drool...)

Dr. Mystery

Wallace Shawn stares incredulously at Noah Baumbach seconds after Andre Gregory stormed out of the room. Ostensibly there to discuss My Dinner with Andre, Baumbach instead offered to produce a web-only series to be directed by Joe Swanberg, in which Shawn revisits his Cosby Show character, Jeffrey Engels. Entitled "90 Degree Engels," the Swanberg-helmed series would also star Philippe Garrel as Heathcliff Huxtable, Andrew Bujalski as Theo, and Greta Gerwig as Rudy. Gregory left angrily after it was suggested he play Claire Huxtable in drag.


My above quota, good(maybe?) cheap(definitely!) schlong joke offerings include:

"The tabletop wasn't the only thing hard."

"Joe Swanberg ponders jerking off on Noah Baumbach's head."

"Joe Swanberg wants residuals for his penis. Just because it didn't have a "speaking part" didn't mean it wasn't in the scene."

"Joe, is that your video camera? Or, are you just happy to see me?"

"Let's hope this is all Joe shoots today!"


"Are you now or have you ever been a homunculus?"

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