The first ever (and probably last) "Some Came Running" contest: Caption That Screen Grab!

I like to consider myself a reasonably open-minded, live-and-let-live kind of guy. I figure, if Noah Baumbach, whose films as a writer-director I like a good deal, wants to play patron to Joe Swanberg, a filmmaker I consider pretty much to be a supurrating wound on the face of cinema, that's pretty much his business. And if Noah Baumbach, when asked by the Criterion Collection to interview both André Gregory and Wallace Shawn for a supplement to the company's release of My Dinner With André, decides to fold those interviews into a kind of film that contains a rather awful lot of extreme closeups of...Noah Baumbach, well, as long as I'm getting to hear Shawn and Gregory speak, I can live with that. And if Noah Baumbach wants to have the aforementioned Mr. Swanberg as part of his camera crew for the shooting of the aforementioned interviews, well, that would probably have been okay, as I would only have become aware of it upon reading the end credits of the supplement, whereupon I could reflect bittersweetly about a world in which Joe Swanberg is permitted to breathe the same air as André Gregory and Wallace Shawn. 

But to actually place Swanberg himself in the supplement is, I believe, taking things a little bit too far. I had no expectation that a revisitation of Louis Malle's wonderful 1981 film would eventually entail such a thorough sullying of my consciousness. As David Byrne once sang, "I'm mad, and that's a fact." So I turn to you, my loyal and brilliant readers. Lighten my load by making me laugh. Come up with a really funny caption for this screen cap of Swanberg shooting Shawn, and leave it in the comments. Myself, and a small panel of friends who also don't have much use for the auteur of Butterknife, will determine the funniest one. The sole (as in "there can be only one") winner shall receive, upon its release, a sealed copy of the aforementioned new and largely quite wonderful Criterion disc of My Dinner With André. I will accept submissions until twelve noon Eastern Time on Saturday, June 6. And I will get the ball rolling with my own caption for the shot, which is, "Hey, I think I've seen this guy on Gossip Girl."

Go to it, comrades.

UPDATE: Well, an interesting experiment, let's say. As per the deadline stipulated above, comments are now closed, so no further entries will be accepted. The winner will be announced Monday, alongside ruminations on my lowering the level of discourse and The Meaning Of It All.

Comments

[Josh Ickes]

Hiptard auteur Joe Swanberg, is wondering when he gets to shoot Wallace Shawn's pointless, boring, joyless, sex scene.

Mr. Shawn's reaction? "That's inconceivable!"

[Josh Ickes]

Can we do more than one? Hope so.

Joe Swanberg (seen here left) seems confounded by a new development; adults speaking about interesting things in front of his camera.

[charlesv]

SHAWN: I know that you know that Joe Swanberg cannot, in reality, operate a camera or create any sort of watchable film, so I clearly cannot look at the camera in front of me.

BAUMBACH: BUT! Joe Swanberg is from Chicago, home of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, and as such cannot be trusted! Therefore, you must choose the camera in front of YOU.

SHAWN: Indeed! However, We both know that no one can withstand the effects of being in the same room as Joe Swanberg for more than---

SHAWN falls over, dead.

BAUMACH: I've spent the last several years of my life building up an immunity to Swanberg. I've seen "LOL" more than once, so it's pretty much cake from there.

[Owain Wilson]

Joe Swanberg's thinking:

"Hey, I'm sure I can hear Rex from Toy Story in here somewhere. Maybe he's under the table with Woody and Mr. Potato Head. When this stupid interview's over I'll give him some candy and we'll be best friends."

[Ryland Walker Knight]

NEW YORK -- Joe Swanberg and Noah Baumbach (at left) moonlight for the court, filming depositions for extra cash. Wallace Shawn, noted pedestrian and talker, has been charged with vehicular manslaughter. Swanberg, parroting Baumbach, tells us this is his "dream gig" as the two younger men hope to fold the deposed interview, among others, into a current project on, you guessed it, wrongly accused vehicular manslaughter defendants with a predilection for good food and lengthy chats and young girls getting naked.

[Steven Santos]

At that moment, Joe Swanberg realized he could film himself having dinner with Greta Gerwig and release it as his next film. "Pfft, that hack Louis Malle would never get Wallace Shawn to jerk off in front of the camera," he thought.

[daniel a]

"Hmmm, how 'bout a series called Old American Bodies?"

[Trevor Jackson]

Luke Wilson's interview in preparation for his remake of Andre was not off to a great start. For a couple reasons. His choice of cinematographer for one.

[Herman Scobie]

"Are you sure this is how Billy Bitzer got his start?"

[bill]

I know, Wallace, I know. But the camera's not even plugged in, so just try to ignore him.

[kennylustsjoe]

Swanberg: "While Kenny re-chubs his hard-on for me, I'll just continue actually working."

[bill]

"He's still behind me, isn't he?"

[Rebecca]

Glen, man, I know that this really annoys you, but doesn't this add to the worst part of the internet? Frequently the comments section of any post offers the very lowest form of discourse. To actually encourage vitriol, superiority, and condescension seems not only unnecessary, but irresponsible. Making this kind of post results, as you can see, in a bunch of smug comments. Why do we need this? How is this good? How does this not simply lower the level discourse even further than usual?

[Ryan Kelly]

And yet, in spite of all the moral superiority, your comment stands as the most smug, vitriolic, and condescending of the bunch. Not to mention the most useless. And, since all the poster's here are infantile (by your definition), what does this say about you?

And comments sections on posts offer a low form of discourse? Obviously you haven't visited my very favorite movie blogs (Some Came Running at or near the top of that list) too frequently.

[bill]

Even if Rebecca has a point, I want that DVD, so...

SWANBERG: "This is the most opulent film set I've ever seen!! Look at the size of this place!"

[Dave McDougall]

"He's still behind me, isn't he?" is pretty tough to beat.

[E. Rob]

Since all I can think of are Princess Bride references too (a simple "Inconceivable!" was my first and only thought), I'm going to vote for bill's at 9:00AM, though Rebecca's has a certain dadaist charm since it's clearly the product of some kind of concern troll spambot.

[Rasselas]

"A celebrity! Don't look at his famous wang!"

[Griff]

"I think I remember you, Noah -- but who's the clown behind the camera?"

[Flosh]

Wallace Shawn tries not to panic after remembering that "Punk'd" was canceled in 2007.

[giles edwards]

SHAWN: "Young man, you don't have any ear phones in, how on earth will you be able to assess the correct sound levels?"

SWANBERG "Listen, Wally, just try not to speak too clearly, okay?"

BAUMBACH "..."

*whistles the first bars of 'Hey You'*

[Glenn Kenny]

Rebecca: I understand your objections, I'm not particularly annoyed by them. But I think my readers can distinguish tongue-in-cheek tone from actual vitriol—I would hope phrases such as "a thorough sullying of my consciousness" might show my hand, despite the fact that I do genuinely dislike Swanberg's films. And I think the comments have thus far been in keeping with the tongue-in-cheek spirit. The only real vitriol so far has come from a Swanberg defender. (Which, I admit, pleases me no end.) So let us have our fun. I hope you'll find the post directly above this one to be more genuinely edifying.

[Tom Russell]

Granted, as a Swanberg defender, enthusiast, and, dare I say it, internet-friend, I should recuse myself from participation. After all, the guy was nice enough to be in my movie Son of a Seahorse, (plug) COMING LATER THIS MONTH ON DVD. Visit turtleneckfilms.blogspot.com for updates! (/plug)

But, as Bill said, boy, I'd like to get my hands on this dvd. So, here's my meager attempt to jump into the fray. Ahem:

Swanberg. Criterion. Apocalypse.

[JM]

BAUMBAUCH: This is the girl.

SHAWN: Seriously? You really want me to hire this Swanberg kid?

BAUMBACH: THIS IS THE GIRL.

[The Chevalier]

FAMOUS FIRSTS IN THE HISTORY OF FILM: Joe Swanberg discovers the tripod!

[Ray Branscomb]

JM...I like it.

--------------------

BAUMBACH: "So, the guy taking the picture of us right now is Eggers. He's going to be constructing the book of the film. Waiting out in the hall is Wes with a handheld camera, playing a paparazzi type - here's your outline of that scene...just improv. I can't tell you about the next couple of things after that because your reaction would be spoiled. I can tell you we finally end up on a soundstage where there's a giant asshole that we all disappear up.

SHAWN: Brilliant! Envelope-pushing!

[Scott Collette]

Baumbach: Uh-huh and how did that partnership come about?

Shawn: Well, I met Louis, originally-

Swanberg: Noah! Wallace hang on. Dude, do you want like a rack focus between the question and answer... you know, to really emphasize the difference in the dynamic between interviewer and interviewee?

Baumbach: Hey Joe, just... no... okay, thanks. Sorry Wallace you were saying?

Shawn: Well Louis was-

Swanberg: Dude, check it out. I'll dolly in slow-

Baumbach: You're on a tripod.

Swanberg: Yeah but I got a dolly in the van, or check it out, we crane in on you and then we stay on sticks for Wallace. You know, really show how profound your questions are... you know?

Baumbach: Joe... god damn it... what the... where the fuck are you gonna get a crane?

Swanberg: Oh you want it?

Baumbach: No, I don't fucking... what are you...

Shawn: Are we gonna do this or not?

Swanberg: Yeah, I guess it'd be tough... but dude, check this out... I call the fire department and have tell them there's a fire here... then when they raise the ladder, I'll get out there with the camera and have them direct me in... and Bam, we have our fuckin' crane shot, right brah?? Oh and check this shit out, they might not come, like with a ladder, cause there's no fire or whatever, but dude, let's set the wall on fire behind Shawn to really emphasize... HOLY SHIT! To emphasize his burning desire to deliver a quality interview. WOW! Dude. WOW! Oh my god, then I corkscrew off of the crane and we steadicam a chase down the hall with some fuckin' vampire monkeys and that shit would be OFF THE HOOK!!! They could be a metaphor for the way the audience of ANDRE is always trying to suck you dry, like we are in this interview, you know, sucking old boring stories out of you and then when they fuckin' whip you with their tails, that's like society trying to enslave your memories, man. You know? I mean, they're gonna eat you, the monkeys... they have to. Otherwise we don't really devour your presence. But once they eat you, then we feel both like we're inside and like you're inside us. Like a some sort of sexual cannibalistic figure eight, you know? Turn it on its side and it's an infinity symbol and... that's perfect. We eternalize this shit! Holy fuck, man! AND... check it out... AND... We don't even need to CGI it. Why? Cause I've GOT the fuckin' vampire monkeys down in my van.

(Nobody says anything for a full minute.)

Shawn: Can you go get them?

(Swanberg leaves. Shawn and Noah don't know what to do.)

Shawn: How long do we have?

Baumbach: He doesn't have a van.

(Silence)

(Baumbach gets up and presses record on the camera)

Baumbach: So...

Shawn: Well I met Louis on the set of Atlantic City, I had a small role-

[Fade out]

[Dale]

"I was beginning to realize that the only way to make this evening bearable would be to ask Joe to see his penis. Seeing Joe's penis always relaxes me."

[lazarus]

Swanberg distinguished himself from his contemporaries when he started the groundbreaking "Lispcore" movement in 2009.

[Matt]

"After this, we'll all trade cartigans and make a feature film about the moral confusion it causes."