Let's put aside, for the moment, the fact that the animating concept behind the Transformers films, and said concept's attendant "mythology" (awesome robots from outer space that disguise themselves as awesome GM products and are fighting a war against...oh, God, you know...) are simply too damn dumb to even puke at. That's a pretty big consideration, I understand. But, after taking that dumbness as a given, don't you think it still might have been possible for someone, somewhere, to create a reasonably visually captivating kinetic audio-visual product around said concept, without said product being as crass and dumb and insulting as Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen? To put it another way: does the fault lie with director Michael Bay (who, I admit, makes an almost too-convenient villain), or is it endemic to the blockbuster genre itself?
Because really, in even the best action blockbuster pictures, the comic relief is by and large the weakest element. Remember Argyle, the limo driver in Die Hard? Yeah, I've tried to forget too, but there you have it. What first riles about Fallen, much much more so than Bay's tendency to shoot and cut every scene involving the military as if he's making an Army recruitment commercial (arguably a perquisite of the genre) is its voluminous "comic" relief, a constant stream of noise that bears zero relation to actual humor. Much has been made of Skid and Mudflaps, two "jive"-talking bots whose presence Bay defends by invoking the ever-popular "I'm doing it for the kids" argument. George Lucas said something similar about Jar Jar Binks. And yet I fail to see any uptick in the popularity of Steppin Fetchit in the 7-to-16 demographic. But there's the thing, or one of the things, anyway; it's not just that Skids and Mudflaps are racist stereotypes—they're racist stereotypes that are at least twenty years out of date. Bay really needs to get himself to a Tyler Perry movie or something before he tries to make fun of black people again. (A couple of the film's screenwriters have taken some pains to distance themselves from the characterizations.) And all of the rest of the jokes are similarly time-warped. Gags about mimes and snails in a scene set in Paris? Really? Pot brownies? Really? The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited," which was tired in Beverly Hills Cop? Really?
And then there's the picture's ever double-dealing tone, which asks the audience to laugh their asses off at what doofuses the main character's family are, and then to care, and care deeply, when said doofuses might buy it. "Fail" on both counts. And then there's Megan Fox spending the entire movie with that sort of rapt quasi-orgasmic facial expression that recalls that of Patricia Neal as she goes up the phallic elevator at the end of The Fountainhead, only much, much dumber. Then there's Bay's conception of a college dorm as a 24-hour strip club. And then there's the near-obscene 9/11 reference, with the robot Optimus Prime intoning "Let's roll." (UPDATE: Several Transformers mavens, both here and elsewhere—hello, Lawyers, Guns and Money readers!—inform me that the "Let's roll" line is not a 9/11 reference, because it was an Optimus Prime catchphrase in the old cartoon. Okay then. Still, 9/11 is evoked explicitly in the film when news of the Decepticon attacks breaks, and ickily so. Hence, a viewer less-than-hugely-conversant with the, um, mythology could easily make the incorrect inference.) And then there's...And then there's...
And it's all just so unnecessary. The ridiculousness of the robots' conception is mirrored rather spectacularly in their designs, and once you're cool with that, seeing them in action is like watching a couple of James Rosenquist murals come to life. Which has the potential to be, well, pretty damn cool. What would make it so would be, for one thing, a director with visual wit and a keen sense of the absurd—maybe someone like Katherine Bigelow, whose The Hurt Locker opens in limited release today. What it doesn't need is some dumbass slathering huge helpings of fake-earnest stale cheese over it. But that's the Transformers movie we get. We don't deserve it, but deserve has got nothing to do with it.
@ Bilge: i get where you're coming from as I hoped to convey in my description of what I like about the action stuff in this film. But I think we can both wholeheartedly agree that this picture takes what was cool about the first and almost willfully flushes it down the toilet. Which leads me to...
@ JC: By my most generous estimate, the cutesy-poo sitcom bullshit and other factors of badness outweigh the kickass action stuff by a ratio of 6 to 1. And the factors of badness are so bad that they make it seem like more. But I'd love to hear your breakdown when/if you see it.
Posted by: Glenn Kenny | June 29, 2009 at 05:42 PM
Glenn, I'm not feeling as masochistic as in previous summers, and am picking my spots pretty carefully this year. And seeing as Bay has never gotten my money in the past, I don't see any reason why Transformers: ROTFL would be made an exception.
Thanks for taking one for the team, though. ;)
Posted by: JC | June 29, 2009 at 08:31 PM
"I don't care that they were racist (it's a movie, they are CGI robots, and racist humor is usually funny and accepted by all professional comedians)"
UGH. You're confusing 'racist' humor with 'racial' humor. Dave Chappelle makes racial jokes. He doesn't make racist jokes. Jeez.
Posted by: Jeff McMahon | June 29, 2009 at 08:49 PM
I noticed a lot of the prequel tie-in stuff- Alan Dean Foster's novel (Simmons actually has a specific reason for living with his mother) and the comic prequels published by IDW (Bumblebee losing his voice again in a fight with Starscream, the history between Megatron and the Fallen) fill in all the plot holes. I wonder.
Posted by: Dan Coyle | June 30, 2009 at 12:35 AM
@MarkJ
Oh, come on. The last fourteen years have brought us some good stuff. Just sticking with comics, we've got "The Dark Knight", plus "X-Men" and "X2", "Iron Man", the first two "Spider-Man" movies, and cult films like "Superman Returns" and "Hulk" (both of which I'm a card-carrying member of the fan club). Plus the first "Pirates of the Carribean", "Mr. And Mrs. Smith", the two new Bonds, and we even had an action trilogy, "Bourne", that didn't go wildly off the rails. Plus we've had little cult films like "Doomsday" and "Shoot 'Em Up". There's no lack of good action filmmaking, it's just, as always, there's plenty of shit out there too.
Posted by: Dan | June 30, 2009 at 05:51 PM
"What does transforming robot want? Dear God! What does it want?"
- Sigmund Freud
Posted by: frankbooth | July 01, 2009 at 03:22 AM
That was supposed to have come after Dan Coyle's comment on page one. I will now strike myself hard in the face.
Posted by: frankbooth | July 01, 2009 at 03:26 AM
@Dan
The only movies you listed that I would rate are the 'Bourne' movies (especially the Greengrass ones). The comic-book movies you listed left me cold (especially 'Superman Returns', which was abysmal, especially in comparison to Donner's original). 'X-Men 2' and 'Hulk' were fun, but the quality of filmmaking is not on a par with the likes of Cameron, McTiernan, Verhoeven etc. I enjoyed 'Casino Royale' but have no desire to see it again really, and 'Quantum of Solace' was pretty dire, modelling Bond on Bourne was the best direction Broccoli and Wilson could take the series in? I enjoyed Craig's performance as Bond in 'Royale' but he seemed completely bored in 'Solace', and with a screenplay like the one the film was saddled with I can see why.
'Mr & Mrs Smith' was a lame remake of 'True Lies'. Comparing the action in those two films demonstrates where action films have really gone off the rails recently. Cameron is a master, clearly laying out the geography in his shots and editing them brilliantly so they flow beautifully.
Take a look at the shot where Arnie pulls Jamie Lee Curtis off the roof of the limo that then goes flying off the end of the bridge int the water below, all done in a wide master. When was the last time you saw anything like that in a blockbuster movie? Or compare the toilet fights in 'True Lies' and 'Casino Royale'. I still say i'm right that the blockbuster has seen a massive decline over the last few years. Hopefully 'Avatar' can turn the tide.
Posted by: Account Deleted | July 01, 2009 at 04:56 AM
Batman Forever was much more entertaining than the first Transformers.
Posted by: Pinko Punko | July 02, 2009 at 03:27 AM
I watched it with my sister and first off, he chose the "I'm so excited" song simply because it's something everyone has heard and is familiar with. All of his stereotypes are old simply because he wants everyone to be able to feel something in common with the movie.
Or, to paraphrase Philip J. Fry: "But that's not why people watch movies. Clever things make people feel stupid, and unexpected things make them feel scared."
Posted by: Scott de B. | July 02, 2009 at 09:07 AM
Since it's been bandied about here as some sort of antidote to stupid, crass blockbusters, I should probably point out that "The Hurt Locker" was directed by Kathryn Bigelow, who brought us, among other things, "Point Break," "Blue Steel," "Strange Days," and "K-19: The Widowmaker." These are all okay-to-good high-action movies, but it's not like she's Wim Wenders or Werner Herzog or something.
Posted by: Bob | July 02, 2009 at 09:19 AM
"racist humor is usually funny and accepted by all professional comedians"
I am a scientist, and my studies show that this is true.
Posted by: Karl Steel | July 02, 2009 at 09:26 AM
my favorite review of ROTF: http://io9.com/5301898/michael-bay-finally-made-an-art-movie?skyline=true&s=i
Posted by: henry james | July 02, 2009 at 01:59 PM
"-- And it's all just so unnecessary. The ridiculousness of the robots' conception is mirrored rather spectacularly in their designs, and once you're cool with that, seeing them in action is like watching a couple of James Rosenquist murals come to life. Which has the potential to be, well, pretty damn cool. --"
Ok, so here's the deal. If you grew up in the early 80s - like me - and you watched the original Transformers movies and want to go out and recapture a little bit of your childhood, this is a good movie.
If you find the very basic premise of talking transforming robot cars ludicrous, you're going to get hung up on all the admittedly really crappy elements that went along with it.
From the angle of a comic book fan and a child of the 80s, I'll take the Transformers movies over Daredevil or the second two Spiderman Movies or Superman Returns or either Fantastic Four movie or any other number of made-it-to-the-big-screen comic book movies, because it succeeded in making a movie that did not horribly abuse my childhood. The Transformers transformed. There were lots of fight scenes. Hurray.
The plot - thin as it was - was honestly on par with Transformers: The Movie, the cartoon movie released fifteen years ago. The acting - bad as it was - was WAY better than you could ever hope to hear in the original cartoon. The racist stereotypes - as racist and backwards as they were - really were more of a distraction than anything. I see just as much retarded "pot brownies" and robot leg humping in any given romantic comedy or Friends rerun. And neither of them had giant car robots.
So... that.
Posted by: Zifnab | July 02, 2009 at 06:06 PM
Hmm, I grew up in the 1980s, watched the TV show, owned (and still own) a lot of the toys, cried when Optimus died in the 1986 movie (which was released 23 years ago)...
And Bay's versions are still crap.
Posted by: Jeff McMahon | July 02, 2009 at 06:18 PM
i just watched the movie and i really enjoyed it... it came together well and had every thing anybody is looking for in a movie.. from action to comedy....from love to drama.... this movie had it all... i give an A plus to micheal bay for his exellent work.... and an F minus for the up-tight people who dont enjoy a well put film...
Posted by: Enad | July 03, 2009 at 12:41 AM
Very droll Enad.
Wait, you're being serious?
Posted by: Account Deleted | July 03, 2009 at 05:49 PM
Welcome Enad from Team Dreamworks Web Marketing.
Posted by: Allen | July 03, 2009 at 05:59 PM
da movie was pg-13 it was funnni and awsome 200 mil in 5 dayz if u hate it oh well cus dats alot of money
Posted by: andy | July 03, 2009 at 10:06 PM
All of you guys are fucking losers! it is the greatest movie ever! EVER! you fuckers who post negative comments and try to impress people who read these comments with your big words ( most if not all of you don't even know what they mean) have no knowledge of anything regarding the transformers. It was a cartoon made into a brilliant movie. When they transform and fight, it is the most amazing thing that anyone has seen in a movie theater. You people try to disect every litle detail like you guys were actually smart! Fuck off!
Posted by: Fuckerbot | July 03, 2009 at 10:08 PM
In response to fuckerbot above (assuming he isn't a parody which is getting harder and harder to detect these days), the description of the blog at the top of the page should be: "Some Came Running: Where we use big words to talk about film."
Posted by: Steven Santos | July 04, 2009 at 10:35 AM
Regarding the Lets Roll Comment by Prime in Revenge of the Fallen : He said it then FLEW AWAY
Posted by: D. Psyko | July 04, 2009 at 11:43 AM
People go see this stuff, they leave disappointed, but oddly, they don't seem to care-- they go and do it again when the next POS hits the theaters. The impression I'm getting here is that you're not even expected to enjoy this. It's more like, "millions of dollars were spent and everybody's talking about it, so you don't want to be the last one to have seen it." It's like some awful YouTube video meme-- "2 Girls 1 Cup"or something-- you need to have seen it, so you do, but it's not like you ENJOY it; it's awful, and you knew that going into it. Enjoyment is not the point.
Sigh. As profoundly bad as T2:ROTF sounds, it's probably going to look like a tour de force of the cinematographic arts once compared to the "Asteroids: The Movie."
No, I'm not joking. They're making an Asteroids movie.
And the real headdesk is that people WILL go see it.
I mean, what next? "Pong: The Movie"?
To be followed by "Pong: Double Fault" (this time it's two-player)?
Posted by: karinova | July 04, 2009 at 07:23 PM
Actually, Karinova, if I'm not mistaken, the original Pong was two-player.
I'm frankly not sure that "Asteroids" would draw the crowds you think it would, and while I agree that it's certainly a dubious premise for a movie, the assertion that it would make Transformers 2 look like a "tour de force of the cinematographic arts" is a little much, don't you think?
I mean, you're basically assuming that there's a filmmaker who's bad enough to make Michael Bay look that good, and that that filmmaker would be put in charge of "Asteroids", an intellectual property that, as far as filmmaking goes, they'd pretty much have to make up whole-cloth-- it's not like "Asteroids" has some kind of epic mythology behind it.
And, frankly-- dare I say it?-- an "Asteroids" movie could be good. One man in a space-ship, alone in the dark, destroying asteroids-- it could be a great meditation on loneliness, fear, and claustrophobia or a potent satirical metaphor for monotonous, hum-drum, meaningless work.
Posted by: Tom Russell | July 04, 2009 at 08:13 PM
I don't care that they were racist (it's a movie, they are CGI robots, and racist humor is usually funny and accepted by all professional comedians)
I'd suggest checking your privilege, then rethinking what you just said. To whom is racist humor funny? Why?
Posted by: Genevieve | July 05, 2009 at 11:49 AM
@Steven Santos.
FYI, here at Some Came Running, we don't use 'big' words. We use 'multisyllabic' words. That way we can tell them about our big words with big words. It just works better that way.
Posted by: Jason M. | July 05, 2009 at 10:01 PM
dude your a fucking moron
Posted by: chris | July 06, 2009 at 09:53 PM
I figured this post would earn its share of trolls. What perplexes me is how long it took for some of them to get here.
Posted by: Glenn Kenny | July 06, 2009 at 11:11 PM
Glenn: It shouldn't be perplexing. They likely just got done watching the movie. Isn't it somewhere around two-and-a-half weeks long?
Posted by: Tom Russell | July 07, 2009 at 02:18 AM
Not sure whether or not to pay a buddy of mine back…
He nabbed a ticket for me early enough before they were sold out for the midnight matinee premiere. Came outta that theater rather perturbed. Garbage!
Though I could~ feel a teeny tiny bit better after finding out that the movie partly bored my nephews, and their under the tweens age.
Posted by: Juan | July 08, 2009 at 03:01 AM