Details magazine wants to kill your mama

I don't usually weigh in on this sort of thing, but recently I've wondered, has Details editor Daniel Peres gone on a diet of raw meat or something? I grant you, his tenure at the book has left it practically scarred with a particularly aggro homoerotic subtext, but the cover lines of the last two issues have been even...more so. First, the May 2009 issue announced "Eric Bana Makes Captain Kirk His Bitch;" then, the June/July issue blared "Bradley Cooper: That Guy From Wedding Crashers Is About To Have Hollywood By The Balls."

I have to admit, when I first read that, I thought, "Bradley Cooper was in Wedding Crashers?" because that's just the impression he made on me in that picture. But, yeah, I get it, Details: Boo-yah. In my face. I really should protect my neck. And so on.

Thing is, neither statement is empirically supportable. Far from making Captain Kirk his bitch, Eric Bana, in the new Star Trek movie—spoiler alert, I suppose—gets totally smoked by Kirk (or was it Spock? that's how much of an impression the Star Trek movie made...), as is customary for villains in that franchise. (A truer cover line might have read "Eric Bana Gets Downgraded To A Star Trek Villain," come to think of it.) And while Bradley Cooper's success in The Hangover may, for instance, lead to him getting a new and more powerful agent, find him "stretching" in dramatic roles in big-budget blockbusters and what not, and increase his pay grade quite substantively, it could also, on the other hand, be merely a blip in a career trajectory that will eventually see him suffer a fate similar to that of Gerald Butler and Ryan Reynolds, playing second-banana love interests to varied incarnations of America's Putative (there's that word again!) Sweetheart. Too soon to tell. In any case, neither scenario will ever, as readers of Lillian Ross' Picture can tell you, constitute his having Hollywood "by the balls."

What I wonder is, where can Details go from here? I look forward to cover lines such as "Robert Pattinson Is Going To Cock-Slap You Silly" and "Shia LaBoeuf: Your Nads Equal His Prairie Oysters."

Comments

[bedheaded]

"Zac Efron Is About to Cum in Hollywood's Face"

[S.F. Hunger]

Bradley Cooper may not have Hollwood by the balls, but what Angelina did was really uncool.

[S.F. Hunger]

Also, is it just me, or is Cooper doing a kind of variant on the Kubrick Stare in that photo? The Hangover could've used some of that.

[Craig]

Tracy Morgan Wants to Take You Behind the Middle-School and Get You Pregnant.

[Adam R.]

"Details magazine - a really good publication if you have run out of cologne"

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6ae880a42b/between-two-ferns-with-zach-galifianakis#player

[Tess]

LOL @ bedheadeaded & S.F. Hunger, but, bottom line, for better or worse, print media is dead. Or, at least dying. I'm not sure what I'll be able to purchase in the airport gift shop in years to come, but I'm pretty sure it won't be Details. God Speed.

[Dan Coyle]

Bradley Cooper wants to knock up Sarah Palin's daughter. no, not that one, the OTHER one.

[bill]

"Eric Bana, in the new Star Trek movie—spoiler alert, I suppose—gets totally smoked by Kirk (or was it Spock?..."

It was both! Well, I liked the movie anyway.

[?]

Haley Joel Osment: Ex-Wunderkind Prepares to Blow Up Your School

Justin Theroux is Going to Fuck Your Wife in Front of You

Eli Roth to Hollywood: Get on Your Knees and Open Your Fucking Mouth

Ben Foster Wants You to be His Power Bottom

Zach Galifinakis: Andy Kaufman Can Drink His Piss

John Krasinski: He'll Make You Laugh So Hard You'll Forget You're Being Felched

[Max]

@bedheadeaded: While I laughed at a lot of the cover lines, Justin Theroux and Eli Roth in particular, I almost threw up laughing at yours.