God bless Ernest Borgnine.

You've all probably seen this already. But still. I only wish I'd had the balls to have pulled something like that one of the handful of times I was compelled to interact with the sterling personalities on Fox and Friends. "He shook his hand!" I know, right, ew??? Too hilarious.

I spent a lot of time with Mr. Borgnine on the set of Baseketball a few years back. A real pistol, he was. Just think—he had been married to Ethel Freaking Merman. Which kinds of begs the question of just what it is he masturbates to.

Jeffrey Wells seems to have taken this very hard. Or maybe I should say badly. Says Borgnine has "tainted his reputation for all eternity. I'll never be able to watch The Wild Bunch ever again with the same attitude I had before seeing this clip." (Shit, Jeff, you shoulda watched The Wild Bunch last night, like I did.) Yeah, Borgnine's irrevocably tainted because he made a vulgar crack on a Fox News program. Okay, if you say so. And that's as far "there" as I'm gonna go.

UPDATE: Surely there are some of you out there who recall Drew and Josh Alan Friedman's disconcertingly hilarious strip "June 2050," which posits a future Baltimore populated entirely by Borgnine lookalikes:

The real-life Ernie's line is exactly the sort of thing they might have put in the mouth of one of the Borgnine clones back in the day. I imagine the Friedman imps are still laughing their asses off tonight.

FURTHER UPDATE: Over on Facebook, comedy genius (Spaced, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) and friend to many Edgar Wright notes: "Indeed he really is the Emperor Of The North Pole."

Comments

[Jason]

That clip was hilarious--at 91 Ernest Borgnine can say anything he damn well wants, relishing his bawdy comment. Mr. Wells is in desperate need of a sense of humour!

[Krauthammer]

Seeing "Fox and Friends" and "Jeffery Welles taking it hard" I assumed that Borgnine had oughted himself as an ultra-conservative. Cheer up Welles! You don't need to rebuke everyone who does or says something you don't like to see/hear! Just watch The Wild Bunch in peace.

[Tony Dayoub]

My guess is that Jeffrey doesn't masturbate.

[Peter Nellhaus]

Well I guess "Fox and Friends" forgave Borgnine for making that short film directed by Sean Penn.

[bill]

I couldn't catch what he said exactly, and I'm at work so I can't really turn the volume way up. I know the gist, based on comments here and on HE, but what exactly did he say?

And yes, Wells's reaction is...lame.

[Glenn Kenny]

He said, and I quote, "I masturbate a lot." But more important, he said it to Steve Doocey.

[bill]

Ha!

And let's be fair, the hosts did seem, while shocked, to enjoy the moment.

[Dan Coyle]

"Are you DENSE? Are you RETARDED? Don't you know who the hell I AM? I'm the GODDAMN MCHALE."

[Herman Scobie]

Marriage to Merman would inspire anyone to excessive onanism.

[colinr]

He was obviously trying to endear himself to a confirmed bunch of wa*kers!

And you know what they say - 95% of people do it and the other 5% are liars!

[bill]

Obscure reference there, Dan Coyle.

[Preston]

Well, beats the shit outta quitting smoking!

[Dan Coyle]

It's an infamous line from the Frank Miller written All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder, where Batman tries to intimidate Dick Grayson by saying that line.

It is truly one of the worst comics of the 21st century, even if you try to take it as satire.

[bill]

I knew where it was from, though I haven't read the comic myself. Isn't there a theory going around that Frank Miller knows exactly what he's doing? I guess that gets to your "bad even as satire" point, but from what I've read about it the whole thing sounds almost bizarre enough to be worth a look.

[Dan Coyle]

He knows exactly what he's doing, but he isn't saying anything new or interesting. He's just settling scores.

[Dan]

Part of me wants to redub that Borgnine clip with "I'm the goddamned Batman".

[don lewis]

That is, and always shall be....classic. I mean, didn't EB say he was super proud to have never swore in a movie? Then he busts that tidbit out...on FOX! F-ing badass.

As for Jeff Wells being flabbergasted, well, yeah, He's "your" friend, GK. Apparently he's the kind of guy who would just like, run off doing the "Old School" ear muffs thing if a hot young actress said the word "Vagina" followed in the next 30 seconds by the word "wet."

I now need a I CAN HAZ KITTY pic of Wells. ASAP. Chop chop.

[cadavra]

Wouldn't it be more correct to say he's Emperor of the SOUTH Pole?

[mizoguchi]

Jeff Wells, of course, was planning to just sit back and serenely contemplate those pictures of Vinessa Shaw . . .

[Stephen Bowie]

I don't know from Frank Miller, but that line reminded me of my one Ernest Borgnine story.

I used to live around the corner from the Ralph's on Ventura & Coldwater Canyon, evidently near Borgnine's pad, because I saw him shopping there twice. BOTH times he ended up in the checkout line next to the one I was in, and BOTH times he ended up explaining to the bagboy why he looked familiar: "I was in McHale's Navy ... and Airwolf ... and The Poseidon Adventure..." Just the lamest credits, and I couldn't tell if the resume was solicited or if Ernie just started rattling them off to anyone who made eye contact. It was L.A. and one doesn't typically approach the celebs, but after listening to that sad list twice, I had to walk over and say, "Hi, I'm so-and-so, and I enjoyed your work in Marty ... and From Here to Eternity ... and The Wild Bunch...."

[cadavra]

He probably figured (correctly) that the bagboy hadn't seen any movies made before STAR WARS and thus rattled off his TV credits and one certifiable modern blockbuster.