A kind of poem

I normally don't re-post anonymous e-mails from folks who are displeased with my reviewing style, but this piece, received this morning (December 27, day after Boxing Day!), had an interesting, albeit perhaps inadvertent, Cummings vibe to it, and...well, like Steve Inwood said to John Travolta in Stayin' Alive, "an anger...and an intensity." I admit I was mainly taken by the formatting, which I reproduce here as exactly as the TypePad template makes possible. You think I should track this guy down and have him watch The Girlfriend Experience? Anyway, the "title" comes from the e-mail's subject line. 

hmm some critic

Glenn Kenny

some damn critic you turned out to be.

you slandering good movies down left and right like if you was god.

which by all means your not god and never will be,.. those movies you put down and said was bad movies was pretty good to the general public and they made more money then you can come close to even dream of making.

and you also seem to slander stars too, what an idiot you turned out to be.

No wonder you got fired for being a critic !

negative criticism to every good movie out there will get you fired and if you slander a star or a person !

where was your head any way ?....up your ass hole where the sun don’t shine ?

I buy those movies and love them and collect them.

like star wars and twilight and few other sagas.

I bet you didn’t have your meds the day you critic’s about those new movie’s and probably haven’t gotten laid in long time.

or maybe you was drunk or high off your ass when you did it.

I don’t know and I really don’t care.

I am glad you got fired !!.... and dude if you ever get hired by some one else I bet you have loads of hatters spamming your crap and throwing away your criticism if it’s on a new paper.

or better yet using it to wipe their ass off with.

poor boy critic’s like you just cause hate and make people dislike you.

there’s more fans to those movies you slander then you have for fans.

you ever think about that ?,..hmm” do you every consider it that those stars and movies has more beloved fans and family then your sorry ass does ?

why you think those stars and movies make more money in 1 day out at the theatres and the stars make more money doing 1 day film shoot then you do in 1 year !!

have some common sense and brains, cause by the looks of your writings of criticism is a joke and you show poor judgment !

this the first email I ever sent to a stupid idiot critic in my life.

I normally don’t bother to read or read all the way through critics posts or writings, I usually by pass them and throw them out or block them online.

cause I think most of you types are morons and jealous freaks cause they can’t get a spot to do their own acting work or start a good acting career !

so they whine and cry and slander other stars work and slander movies,... that is pretty damn low.

their just out there performing and doing the best they can to do what makes them happy and to make others happy.

cause they got the balls to actually do it and try for it,.. plus they have the talent !

it takes allot to get on a stage and be on film to act and wonder if your good or doing a good job.

and in many cases they are doing a good job if they keep getting hired !!

people like you just go around slandering them in magazines and news papers and stuff, giving them a bad out look.

when they should be hearing hey you did a good job doing that film or hey that was some great performance you did doing the scene.

I really hope your career has ended for good.

cause like you said about those stars and those movies “ YOU SUCK “ !!!

so have a nice day and don’t drink and drive,..loser !

Comments

[Simon Abrams]

I feel like drinking and driving all of a sudden...

[ratzkywatzky]

It makes me unbelievably happy to think of hatters spamming.

[Nathan Duke]

Hopefully, those aren't mad hatters spamming you. It could be a scourge of psychedelic pop-ups.

[Tom Russell]

Or, a scourge of shoulder-of-pig-and-ham.

[bill]

but--though all kinds of officers
(a yearning nation's blueeyed pride)
their passive prey did kick and curse
until for wear their clarion
voices and boots were much the worse,
and egged the firstclassprivates on
his rectum wickedly to tease
by means of skilfully applied
bayonets roasted hot with heat--
Olaf(upon what were once knees)
does almost ceaselessly repeat
"there is some shit I will not eat"
besides twilight is a great saga
all you do is slander stars
real original i hope you never get hired again

[Harry K.]

Bless you, Sir Bill, bless you.

[Pete Apruzzese]

I was expecting it to close with

"Sincerely,
Armond White"

[AdenDreamsOf]

Judging by the nonstop grammatical errors and lack of clarity, I'm going to guess this person is either very uneducated or mentally ill so I would not feel offended if I were you, Mr. Kenny.

[Oliver_C]

Twilight isn't a
saga: it's long but so's the
phone book; spammers FOAD

[lazarus]

Glenn is the 1%

OCCUPY SOME CAME RUNNING

[lipranzer]

I don't have the talent to respond poetically like Bill and others did, so my response would merely be, "Dear Sir or Madam, I thought you should know some moron has hacked into your e-mail account and is sending idiotic and badly spelled messages."

[ZS]

Darn. I was going to send you an anonymous poem about how much I disliked Young Adult.

[Brian]

I'm combining this post and the one above it in my head, and suddenly hearing this person's screed sung by Joe Strummer...Also, what's with the comment that you apparently hate "Star Wars"? Didn't you edit a whole book about "Star Wars" a few years back? Not that I really expect clarity or logic from this person...

[Jeff]

The poster may have made numerous spelling and grammatical errors, but he has a point. In my view, the best movies that I've seen this year were Thor, Captain America, Source Code and War Horse. I met Kenneth Branaugh and Chris Hemsworth at a screening of Thor and to my surprise, loved it. The acting, script, action, chemistry and special effects all worked incredibly well. I loved the attention to detail, including the SOUND of the heavy snow giants walking up to Thor from his rear, as well as the group running to grab the casket. The Destroyer was a very cool update of Gort from the original version of the Day The Earth Stood Still and it's a great love story, with excellent narrative, in addition to tons of well shot action. A great and enjoyable movie, that by the way, has racked up almost $500 million, before sales from Blu Ray are added.
I'd say that represents a LOT of people that voted with their dollars to see this movie. This and Captain America are the most fun of any movies since Avatar and Star Trek and I'm looking forward to seeing The Avengers this May (along with This Means War, starring Trek's Chris Pine and Tom Hardy, which opens in Feb. and looks to be the best comedy in years).

[Michael Dempsey]

The lines that prompted this post aren't any kind of poetry. They're the brain-dead ravings of all-too-common-these-days stupidity, and they don't deserve to be cut any kind of slack -- no matter how "amusing" or "ironic" -- at all.

[Frank McDevitt]

Glenn, any idea what review might have inspired this bit of, er, "poetry"? Because for the most part you haven't written any outright pans along the lines of "I Am Number Four" or "The Zookeeper" lately.

[ZS]

Jeff, I'm amused you found a point in the poem. I do have a question though. When you write, "A great and enjoyable movie, that by the way, has racked up almost $500 million, before sales from Blu Ray are added.
I'd say that represents a LOT of people that voted with their dollars to see this movie."

Do you know if everyone who saw the movie liked it or thought it great? If not, how is its box-office intake a criterion of value?

[Glenn Kenny]

@ Frank: MSN Movies put both the "Worst" and "Best" movies of 2011 lists on its front page today, hence the slight onslaught of disapprobation. My "Thor" issues seem to be a particular sticking point for many.

[Asher]

This is kind of the inverse of what I think of you as a critic. You like way too much. You can (almost) always be counted on to praise anything that's remotely critically acclaimed, no matter how horrible it actually is. That's why, in spite of their many blind spots, I stick to the folks from Slant.

[That Fuzzy Bastard]

If it is the duty of a poet to represent the apotheosis of the era, then this anonymous master has executed his duty with a rare mastery of the form. I salute you, unknown genius! That first line alone has the muscular scansion that marks a born wordsmith.

[Jane]

This should be your next year's Christmas card. Or, at the very least, have it embroidered on a pillow for posterity. It's lovely. And, classic. Godspeed.

[Chris Stangl]

really though thank you for sharing this
this letter was pretty good to me and the general public!!..., i would buy it and collect it
even though the movie star's have more beloved family!! ...,
ps do you know how to throw out and block online other critic's??
there are some critic's i want to block but
i am probably too drunk and really high to do it!!...,hmm?

[Josh]

This was clearly written by Taylor Lautner in response to your Breaking Dawn Part 1 review. "Glennnnnn!!! You're tearing me apart!!!"

[jbryant]

Nothing better than the old "it made money, so it must be great" argument. My dad first used this on me when I was maybe eleven and rolling my eyes at some song Porter Wagoner was singing on TV. Dad said, "He's making more money than YOU are." And I said, "I hope so. I'm eleven."

As for "voting with their dollars," Jeff -- I don't know about you, but when I buy a ticket to a movie, it usually just means I want to see the movie. Unless it's a repeat viewing, I can't possibly know if it's "great" or not. I suppose Cinemascore gives us a general idea of what opening weekend audiences think of a film's quality. But, as ZS suggests, unless you know what percentage of ticket sales represents repeat viewers, you can't make any real correlation between box office and audience satisfaction.

[paul]

As my first ex-wife was wont to remark "Ain't no cure for stupid".

[Mr. Ziffel]

Imagine going through the trouble of "blocking" online critics. Wouldn't that make it damn near impossible to log on to the intertubes?

[AeC]

It's even better if you imagine it being read by John Lithgow (cf. http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/387033/may-19-2011/john-lithgow-performs-gingrich-press-release - skip to about 3:20)

[Elizabeth]

Dear Glenn, I'm so mad at you for not liking the movies I like! You suck. And, you're mean. And stupid. And drunk.

[D Cairns]

WONDERFUL. I feel like I've died and gone to heaven with brain damage.

[jbryant]

There once was a critic named Kenny
Who liked none of my favorites - not any!
His number one pick
Was some Cronenberg flick
But unlike THOR it won't make a penny