Reflections on a new year

So I'm in the eating area of my in-laws' kitchen, sitting at the table before this damnable machine and thinking about why I'm dreading going home. It's not as if I don't love my home, or how My Lovely Wife and I (mostly My Lovely Wife) have turned it into a welcoming, warm, workable environment. It's more that being out here has allowed me the space to wind down, look around, appreciate what I've got, shudder in horror at the varied ways in which I've squandered or taken for granted those things over the past year, and try to concoct ways of NOT doing that in the future. The thing about home is that it's where all my bad habits are, habits of mind and habits of action. 

I think about the ways I go through days, what I get right, what I get wrong. The ways I keep myself informed and the ways I wind myself up. How often the two are kind of inextricably linked to each other. I think about how angry I am, or can be, and how destructive that anger can be...and also how constructive, in its way, how it's fed in to other creative projects over the past year, and even to some polemics. I want to deploy my energies into constructive, creative outlets, but I know that more often than not my anger feeds my sloth, which feeds my insolence, which feeds into a compulsion to shoot from the hip, or whatever you want to call it. I know that it's right to be outraged by the rewarding of mediocrity, and by mediocrity itself, but I also know that railing against it in the ways that are most obvious—the ways I'm most prone to turning to—gets very little done, finally. I look at the New Year and I wish I had a formula to instantaneously make everything make sense, and I know that no such thing exists. But I raise my head and look at these people I love, who have given me so much, and I feel kind of unworthy of them, and wish I could snap my fingers and conjure a better self to be sitting here. Not possible, I know. And what is possible seems...well, seems like it's gonna take a lot of time. Wonder if I ought to take up transcendental meditation. David Lynch sure is a convincing proselytizer for it. Works for Clint Eastwood, too. One thing I understand from hearing them talk about it is that focus, finally, is all. And we're all, to some extent, in a business, a culture, that thrives on distraction.

Also, I'd like to lose sixty pounds or so.

Ah, well. The amazing breakfast Claire's been working on since last night (which will not help me lose sixty pounds) is almost ready. Later we'll be visiting the folks next door, who, as a family activity, watched The Girlfriend Experience on Thanksgiving night (really!), and apparently the head of that household has a lot of questions for me. I'm gonna wear the blazer I wore in that picture over to the house, because why not?

Happy New Year, all!

Comments

[Ryan Kelly]

Happy New Year, Glenn.

[Mike Everleth]

I highly recommend meditation as a life-changing action. I don't practice it anymore, but when I did it allowed me to clear out a lot of the bullshit and to focus better. I recommend getting a book by Lama Surya Das and seeing if it's right for you. He has some good ideas on how to get started.

[michaelgsmith]

Happy New Year, Glenn, and keep up the good work. I enjoy perusing a lot of cinephile blogs but yours has always made me laugh the most. I mean, where else would the critical reaction to The Romance of Astrea and Celadon be described as "Rohmer getting the gasface"?

[frankbooth]

What fun would it be if you calmed down? Being angry isn't good for you, but IT'S YOUR JOB, man. One must sacrifice contentment for art.

I mean, imagine if Jeffrey Wells were somehow suddenly struck sane. What do you think would happen to his blog? Do you really wanna become the equivalent of sober Paul Westerberg?

Now you have a justification. You can say "Frank told me to do it." It's okay, I'll take the heat.

[Account Deleted]

Happy New Year Glenn, keep shooting from the hip.

[Daniel L.]

I saw the novelist Dorothy Allison speak once, and she talked about the relationship between anger and writing. She said something to the effect of, "It's okay to start writing out of anger, but it's not healthy to stay there."

While I admit to enjoying the new-asshole-tearing portions of your blog, you're able to be just as moving and effective when you're simply writing and analyzing the works you love. I think you're correct to desire a little move away from the Armond-bashing and whatnot.

I suggest staying away from the bashing, except for perhaps once or twice a year, when someone REALLY deserves it.

[christian]

The blogosphere feeds too much anger and it ends up impotent.

Be angry for injustice, but recognize the goal in the end.

And you don't want to end up like Wells.

Happy New Year!

[Jimmy]

"Be the ball"

- Bill Murray 'Caddyshack'

Never too late to wish you, Happy New Year Glenn.