In Which I Apply For A Position As A Freelance Film Reviewer For Premiere.com

From my e-mail file:

To: Gene "Gene, The Dancing Machine" Newman

Editorial Director

Hachette Digital

From: Glenn Kenny

Dear Gene (if I may call you Gene),

I was having a bite with my buddy Andrew "Filmbrain" Grant the other day, and he said to me, apropos of nothing, "Have you looked at the reviews section of Premiere.com lately?"

"No," I replied. "Why would I wanna do that?"

"Well," he said, "It's just such an atrocity. They have this unbelievably lame new format for the reviews, where they break it up into little thematic modules, like 'The Pitch,' and 'The Not-So-Good,'' 'A Personal Fact About Us,' and stuff like that. It's really horrific."

A little later I checked it out, and sure enough, it was just as Andrew said. Only, seeing as for the past few months I've been trying to break out of my so-called "print mentality," I didn't find it lame at all. No. It was brisk, it was punchy, it was to the point, it was funsy—in short, it was very "new media" (Tah-rah!), and, thus, something that I feel I really need to be a part of.

So. Despite the fact that when I parted ways with Premiere.com I vowed that I would have nothing further to do with that enterprise, I'm thinking that I might want in again. I'm writing to you because I infer that you, a recent hire from over at Maxim, were responsible for this new, innovative editorial tack, so I want to go to the source. To be perfectly honest, I also see here an opportunity to update some of my other ossified attitudes, which I understand is necessary in order to survive in the brave new digital media world. To that end, I've drafted an audition piece, if you will, using as my subject that old French chestnut Au Hasard, Balthazar.

Au Hasard, Balthazar

Starring: Anna Wiazamsky, Walter Green, Pierre Klossowski

Directed by: Robert Bresson

The Pitch: A donkey in provincial France gets passed from owner to owner until it, like, dies.

What It Really Is: Apparently, a "meditation" on life, suffering, and grace, and that kind of stuff.

The Hook: Director Bresson uses real settings and non-professional actors to achieve a distinctive feel.

The Not-So-Good: The distinctive feel is too often that you're about to doze off. Beyond Balthazar, few of the characters are given much to do. Pierre Klossowski (a real-life book-writer, we understand) has a relationship with Balthazar and the two have no chemistry whatsoever. Also, what's with all the close-ups of hands? And double also, the character played by Anna Wiazemsky gets gang-raped and does nothing about it. How about a little acknowledgement of grrrl power, Monsieur Bresson?

Personal Fact About Us: When we were a kid, our parents took us to Hershey Park, and at the petting zoo, our little brother was petting a donkey—or was it a mule? Kind of hard to remember, it was, like, 40 years ago—and the animal gave him a hard kick in the chest with BOTH its back legs. Really freaked our brother out.

Can We Be Serious For A Moment?: Seriously? What this movie really needed was for Andy Samberg as Mark Wahlberg to show up and have a nice little chat with Balthazar.  

So, what do you think? I gotta say, I feel like a duck taking to water and I need a bigger pond. What are you guys paying these days, anyway?

Gimme a call at [number redacted] and let me know your thoughts. I'd really appreciate it.

Best, Glenn

 

Comments

[Campaspe]

Bill, "Keep your religion off of our vampires, Hollywood" is as meaning-free as everything else in the damn thing. Hollywood has no religion (where is John Nolte when you need him?) and vampires have always been linked to religious ritual and transubstantiation. If she ever reviews a John Ford movie I suppose she can tell him to keep all those damn shots of rocks out of "our" Westerns.

[Squeezeit Henderson]

Bill sounds really bitter today. More than usual. I worked at Premiere back in '98 & '99 (Kendra Peach, anyone?), when it had the balls and foresight to hire a great writer like DFW, even if in the editorial process things got a little mucked up. Are there any film magazines today that would do something like that, say hire a writer like Chris Bachelder or George Saunders or even a Chris Ware to write a piece on PTA? Not a one. Premiere took chances back then, and tried to appeal to the literate film fan, and Glenn was a big part of that. The people who work at Maxim and FHM and all those protestant stroke mags (I mean, what does anyone, except for a 17 year old boy, get out of looking at pictures of Elisha Cuthbert in white panties and a wife beater?), are the same people who harass the staff at places like Jamba Juice and Noah's Bagels ("Can I please have a cup that isn't like used please?"). Geez, now I kind of sound like Old Bitter Bill. Time for a snack.

[bill]

How did I know that some guy who has never posted here before (under this particular name, anyway) was going to show up and call me bitter? I'm a genius, that's how.

[Glenn Kenny]

We ought to form a club, Bill. Society of Bitter Cinephiles or some such thing. Or even Society of Bitter Genius Cinephiles.

[bill]

I like the "genius" one. I'll draw up the society's by-laws tonight.

[Brian]

Campaspe,
Great link, and I'd also add Pauline Kael, whose capsule reviews in THE NEW YORKER were often masterful:

http://www.geocities.com/paulinekaelreviews/

I especially like this line from her review of MR SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON: "No one else can balance the ups and downs of wistful sentiment and corny humor the way Capra can--but if anyone else should learn to, kill him."

[Squeezeit Henderson]

Bill, ever since this site was up and running you've been calling anyone with a strong opinion "bitter." You've done it over and over again, and it's really irritating. I don't know where you got this verbal tic from, but apparently you don't notice it, that's how often you do it. I can think of four of five times when I posted a comment that had nothing to do with you, only to have you pop up like one of those plastic Chuck E. Cheese Wack-A-Mole's to proclaim that I am "bitter," which I obviously am, which I already know. And by the way: what makes your name, "bill," any less of a pseudonym than anyone else's? How do we know your name is "bill?" You prepared to give out your full-name? Just because you pick some banal moniker doesn't mean you're any more courageous than anyone else who posts comments here day in and day out. I look forward to your no doubt meek and passive agressive comeback to what I have said, something like, Thanks for the advice! or, Gee, I never knew that, but thanks! Or, better yet, how about you not say anything. You could do that, you know, or I could save you some time and just do your thinking for you. So how about this: why don't you just tell me that I'm bitter and let it be. That would be nice, "bill." You seem like a really great guy and I could totally see myself hanging out with you! Thanks for all your help!

[Glenn Kenny]

@Squeezeit: Bill and I both wear our bitterness like a badge of honor. You wanna know more about him, check out his excellent, non-pseudonymous blog, bitterly titled "The Kind of Face You Hate." it's on my blogroll!

@Brian: I find Kael to be at her most engaging in the capsule format, as it happens. Every time I dip into her "5000 Nights At The Movies" I'm blown away by her acute knowledge and appreciation of '30s Hollywood, among other things.

[bill]

I called you bitter once, when you were being bitter, but I don't know about four or five times. And my only point about your name, MilkMan, is that you keep changing it, that's all.

And thanks for the plug, Glenn! Although the addition of the initial "R" probably won't impress anyone.

[Tom Russell]

While this doesn't really add anything to the conversation that hasn't been said by one of the previous participants, I'd like to say, just the same, that it's a shame Premiere went to pot, they never should have let you go, and, yes, your review of Balthazar was hilarious.

[Regilk Kcaj]

"DennisY" should just have called himself Drofnum Regor. It would have been more subtle.

[Mark J]

The thing that distressed me the most about the termination of Premiere is that it was just chopped, it disappeared, with no comment made whatsoever anywhere by anyone as to the reasons why. It was as if the magazine had never existed.

DennisY: Premiere did work in print form. Just clearing that up for you.

[John M]

--Guys, DennisY is right.
--Premiere's just being media-appropriate.
--Lay off him.
--Note: all following comments should be in bullet form, for our readers.

--mgmt

[Mark J]

Curiosity got the better of me and I foolishly followed the link in Glenn's blog to see what was happening on premiere.com these days. Came across this little nugget:

'Quantum of Solace is the finest installment in the storied franchise's 22-film history.'

Um, ok then. "Big mistake Indy!"

[Regilk Kcaj]

"Strum and drang" = Wagner on the banjo

[Steve]

Hell, I figured DennisY was kidding...who could take that stuff seriously?

That said, I hadn't read Premiere for ages...did it go under?

Looking forward to Gran Torino. I hope it's as good as The Gauntlet!

[Filmbrain]

To correct Aaron's correction, I certainly was part of that conversation which took place during our post-punk luncheon, and continued during our constitutional back to the hood, where I asked you about a certain "critic" who shall remain nameless.

Regardless, I say we all adopt this critical model. It just makes things that much easier for our readers. (And as Premiere has shown us, the personal facts can also include our mothers' opinion! Joy!)

[B.W.]

I don't know what a "post-punk luncheon" is, but I'd like to attend one.

[Regilk Kcaj]

Where is Namredna Ddot? We can have an offsite!

[swordandpen]

I read a few more reviews from this Jenni Miller at Premiere and they come across as the writings of a 16-year old girl who spent half the movie texting her friends. She concludes her in-depth review of "Austrailia" (it was too long!) by having her Mom offer up her opinions as well.

Next, her BFF Jessica will offer her views on "Doubt". Something like this: The movie didn't say, like, did the priest molest that black kid or not? And Phillip Seymour Hoffman is fat and Amy Adams is so much cuter dressed as a princess than a nun.

I think I just got a little stupider after visiting Premiere. Now I'm going to go talk to a donkey.

[Anon]

The horrible reviews in Metromix in LA use this format too. Sigh...

[mkenny]

As said brother who was kicked in the chest by that donkey 40 years ago i'd like to clarify that one, it really HURT, two, it left a hoof print in my chest for a MONTH, and yes, it REALLY freaked me out.
Almost as much as seeing the new format over at that other place, it's just so lame. I can get better writing and opinions from my cereal box. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Happy Holidays!

[Ryan Stewart]

I know this is late to the party, but I just flipped over to Premiere.com today out of curiosity and found this on the front page as a headline. "In America we tend to outsource freedom by hiring foreigners to tell our American tales. So, it is with fake moral outrage we wag our fingers at the most unpatriotic patriotic movies." Huh? Jesus...

[Tony Dayoub]

Glenn,

Thought you might be interested... this post was referred to extensively at:

http://jonswift.blogspot.com/2008/12/triumph-of-derrirism.html